8 January 1984
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
I just came back from Italy where I spent 3 weeks in my valley, surrounded by the "Maddalene" mountains with my family and my dear friend Lorena.
On the 8th of January 2007 I had an exchange of emails with her. Below is what we wrote to each other.
Dear Lorena, today is exactly 23 years from the day I was hit by a car, driving madly into my body at 90km.p.h.
I am feeling a melancholy and a deep sadness that doesn't want to leave me.
I went out to walk along the Amsterdam canals, just because today the sun is shining after a few days of horrible weather. Not even the walk, away from people in the most "picturesque" area of the city, helped me.
This too, 8 of January, will pass, just as I've overcome many others but overall I got over "sister Death", who that evening made a mistake and left me here, on planet earth, to sooth the wounds and to continue this adventure at times bitter, sometimes sweet, of living.
Hereafter all, I am happy even when the tears knock in my eyes and my smile disappears behind a thoughtful silence.
Sending you a hug, Milena
Few hours later I got her reply.
My friend, I was feeling you today, I open the email to write a thought and .....here you are.I am next to you, I feel you in this moment and I remember with how much pain you faced your 20th anniversary. It seems that we must die to be reborn again, isn't it?
You are wonderful, beautiful when you smile, and also when you are pissed off and say what you think.
To me you are perfect the way you are, I always have so much to learn. We are so different and is beautiful that we love each other.
I thank God, for that day He spared your life, allowing you to live and decide for yourself new roads, taking you to a wandering destiny, rich of experience and inner knowledge.
It was an important part of your life, mamma mia! Very painful, incisive and definitive.
Celebrate this day my darling one, I am with you. I will light a candle tonight on my way back home in the beautiful church of Cavareno. I will think of you and a prayer will fly for you, for me.
with love Lorena
On the same day I received a scan of an old picture which traveled around the world in the sannyas circle. I was searching for this image for a long time. A dutch friend of mine, Virendra, sent it to me, just when I was crying and releasing the profound sadness of this day. It brought back a smile!
This picture was made during the Mystic rose meditation in '89 in Poona by a very sensitive photographer, Paul Kalkbrenner.
I am lost in an inner laughter. The laughter of the miracle of being alive!
At the end you will see the same "me" in the crying part of the Mystic rose.
How much I cried, how much I laughed and moreover how much I enjoyed the silent part, when every feeling and emotion melt in a pond of crystal clear awareness.
Only the rhythm of my breath....to remind me of my life.
Both are symbolic on a day like this and speak by themselves!