Mountain Girl

A few days ago I found out that Tim Guest died last Summer, on the first of August 2009. He died at the young age of 34 of a heart attack. And I felt extremely sad when I read this news.

Right after the bomb explosion in Poona in the German Bakery, I had an impulse to google for Tim Guest' s name. His book was in my hands again in the last days and I wanted to know how his journalist career was unfolding.
I never met Tim Guest aka Yogesh. I was never in Medina, I only knew his stepfather Martin -previously Sujan- because he was one of my teacher in the Rebalancing Advance Training in Amsterdam '86 and I worked for a while in his studio in London in '91.

Tims autobiographical book is the story of a remarkable childhood as the son of a sannyasin woman, who was one of the commune leader in Medina. "My life in Orange" - 2004 is considered one of the best autobiographical account of the decade in his obituary in The Guardian and in my humble opinion I agree completely.
I read the book in 2005, when I was immersed in my process to undo the harm of my participation both in Miracle of Love and in the world of Osho sannyasins. I already wrote my thoughts on other books written by ex-sannyasins (Hugh Mine, Kate Strelley). Now I finally put down a few words about Tim Guest' s book.

First thing I thought was, if one day I will write a book about my own involvement in spiritual groups I would love it to have the wit, humor and plain truth of Tim Guest's book. He writes from the eyes of the child he was and describes brilliantly how it was to grow up with so many people who were pursuing the dream of enlightenment and experiencing a community lifestyle of love light and laughter.

I praise him for the literary achievement and for the honest recollection of his own experience. Beyond the dream, beyond the illusion of perfection and freedom.
Let the kids speak what they felt in the commune time. This is how it felt, if you are humble enough to hear that not everything was a horn of plenty in the world of Osho. Not at all!!

Osho sannyasins are ever so often ready to put the blame on the individual, whenever someone is asserting his opinion, voicing his doubts, questioning Osho's teaching or simply saying how different is his/her experience from the main stream devotee.
But if there is some good to gain then it is all because of the Commune lifestyle, because of the outrageous and visionary teaching of the Master Bhagwan/Osho.
This is a kind of a black and white way of looking that characterizes a group as very selective with a "supremacy syndrome" - we/us better then they/them. How arrogant! Certainly Osho sannaysins suffer from the "being special and better" syndrom.
And I indulged into that too, to wake up years later and recognize my shortcomings.

I read an obituary on Tim Guest online from a sannyas website that made me shrink for the lack of depth and foremost lack of respect for who Tim Guest was and how he dared to speak. Not to say about the cheap comments that follow the article.

Personally, I found the book amazingly well written. I can see this little kid running around the commune, looking for his mother, straining his ankle and back to try to grow taller in order to meet someone' eyes and receive full attention to his needs. He didn't have one mother, he had all the women of the commune as his mother, and consequently no one had the time to really take care for the children so they ended up roaming around like in a fairy land of "everything is allowed".
Some time ago, a sannaysin friend who lived in Medina and with whom I shared my thoughts about 'My life in orange', turned to me and said: "I remember that boy running around always so lost. He looked to me so out of place and very sad". She was still defending the commune life and condemning the child. If he was "lost" it was his fault.
I am still disturbed in seeing so many of my sannaysin friends being so 'brain washed', acting aloof and judgmental, while simultaneously professing to be such a caring and understanding person. My friend didn't read the book. Anything that points out defects, contradictions or even is just questioning whether the world of Osho was at all 'sane', is often discarded as untrue or not worth reading. How sad and how one-sided way of life.

My life with Ohso

Your book, Tim, is a must-read for those who have the eyes and a heart to recognize that it was not only a blissful land to live with Osho, whether in his presence or in a commune with his gigantic picture hanging in every room, to remind everyone who was the boss.

Certainly there were moments, at least for me, in my years in Poona (from 86 to 96) when you could feel that everything was possible, that all the limitations are inside your mind, and that if you have a complete trust everything will work out fine. Those were words, ever so often spoken by the average disciple, and at times you could even realized them for real.
Since I left the Ashram in Poona and changed my sannyas name back into my old dear name, I had those experiences maybe even more often then when I was in the Commune, as I had them also before Osho in my solitary walk in the mountain.
Freedom is not limited to following a master or anyone for that matter, the real freedom is in knowing yourself and where you stand.
And Tim in his book is slowly unfolding his journey to find who he really is, searching in his past, lucidly expressing even the most agonizing pain for a child: missing the love of his mother.

From "My life in orange"
-We all want a way out of pain and the fear of death. The way out Bhagwan offered was Enlightenment, but even Bhagwan died. Sannyasin believe he "left his body". But those are just words. Bhagwan snuffed it. He kicked the bucket, jumped the perch, shuffled off his mortal coil. He is an ex-guru. He pulled a stiff one, popped his clogs, booked a One Way Sleeper-Ticket on the Night train to the Big Adios. as the French say: He will have toothache no more'-

I chose this bit, just because I like to wake up from dreams. And in memory of Tim Guest I thank him to have done his part in seeing through the lies.

It was very sad to me to find out about his untimely death, that it took me few days to recover and write about him.
My heart reaches out to his wife, and all of those who survived him.
May you all find comfort.



From Driek on the same book: Reflections on "My life in orange"

Labels: books, death, Friends, Miracle of Love, Osho

Labels: books, Friends, Miracle of Love, Mountain, Tibet

What an amazing book!

To me, that I love India so much, this book has everything I am so much fond of.

It plays in an apartment block in Bombay ( Mumbay) in the span of 48 hours.
During this time Vishnu, the "every job" walla, is going through his process of dying, meeting in the delirium of the last moments of his life the people who really counted: his mother, the girlfriend hooker Padmini, Kavita, a girl from the flat above his landing, and of course all of the Hindu deity, from Laxmi to Krishna. In the time that Vishnu is confronting his end, the drama and romance of the inhabiter of the building are played out to its fullest.

The author Manil Suri is describing an Indian universe in the personal story of each family members that lives in those flats.
You find in there a Bollywood style marriage proposal and of course the drama of elopement.
Two housewives' constant quarrel and bickering over the only one kitchen they need to share.
The widower on the top floor who after having lost his young wife turns to a solitary life with glimpses of spirituality to overcome the immense grief while endlessly playing his dead wife's favorite album.
To top it off Mr Jalal, the Muslim father, dreaming a path to liberation proclaims to everybody that Vishnu is not an ordinary job man but a god that has appointed him to spread the good news to the world.
Therefore to complete the picture of life in India we have, regretfully, the perfect mob between the Hindu and Muslim families, who are trying to understand each other but the weight of century of conditioning are difficult to bare.
Oh poor beloved Gandhi!

Vishnu ultimately is left alone to die on the staircase of the building, while some family are fighting who should pay the ambulance or the doctors. But no one is in fact assisting or taking care of him while he is dying.

The author writing is captivating, alive, witty and full of the Indian flavor I love so much. His characters are so deeply and wonderfully human and the acuteness in describing the many social differences and conditioning of real India is to admire.

My life in Poona

I remember one time on the way to MG road by bicycle I saw a beggar completely immobile on the street. I stopped and look around if someone was going to help. I myself didn't now what to do. The stench that arose from her lying position was so overwhelming that it paralyzed any good intention on my side to bend over and try to help her. Also in the Ashram we were told to keep away from beggars. In fact you could have gotten into trouble to touch a dying person. Police may harass you. You don't mix with the karma of a person, so they say.

This happens 20 years ago, but I believe it is till happening right now in the 21century in certain areas of India.
More and more the volunteer work founded by Mother Theresa and other association has been devoting to take care and "collect" the dying persons from the street and bring them in a more human environment to die in warm and loving hands.

My heart reaches out to all those who are actively working and caring for the dying.

Labels: books, death, Osho

"Holy Cow" is the title of a book from Australian writer Sarah Macdonald.
And "India my love" would be the title of my book if I would write one about my experiences in India.

I enjoy very much reading about my dear country where I spent so many years hardly outside the gate of Osho Commune International, although I didn't like her style of writing, the cynicism about herself, about the land that hosted her and about the Indian people.
I was never really backpacking through India, however, I visited quite few beautiful places especially Himachal Pradesh and Utter Pradesh, Gangotri, Rishikesh, Dharamsala, McLeod Gunj, and of course Goa, being just one night bus ride away from mad Poona. Goa was for us sannaysin the holiday resort from our "spiritual life" in the Ashram. Moreover I can say that my focus of search was definitely more "the inside". That is why I feel so good in the mountains, whether they are the Himalayan stunning height or the sensuous beauty of the Maddalene mountain in my valley in Italy. You are left alone when you go inside yourself, and you are alone when you climb the mountain top.

Sarah has all along a bitter taste and incredible alienating sense of doubts and utter dryness. She makes one step forward in the discovery of her inner world and two backwards, exchanging faith and trust with anger and resentment and back to doubt. But yet again, how to define success or failure in the journey to oneself?
By the way, is this the Australian way? Then I am glad I don't live there.
They may have incredible space in the vastness of their country, as she often describes it in her book but I guess even there you can lose your way, inside and outside.

However she has a sense of humor or in fact sarcasm that brings some lightness to the "all too serious spiritual seeker" if only they would read her book. Amongst the many adventures to find some peace of heart, she describes with utter nudity the intense agony of a mind that doesn't want to give up control in every sense and its constant judgements.
But after all who am I to criticise her experience, I fought already enough, against all of the New Age bullshit, and the self declared "only path to God", like the Miracle of Love cult, that I am left with a good belly laughter and a deep sense of being rooted in myself and my own belief. I can take another way of rebellion too!!

There is another book on the subject that touched truly my heart. The author Tiziano Terzani (Tuscany 1938-2004) an Italian journalist and writer tells in his book "Un Altro Giro Di Giostra" his experience around the world and especially in India, in search for a cure of the tumor that effects him.
Instead he finds himself.
He ends up in Himalayan writing it all down in one of the most compelling book about life, death, spiritual journey and acceptance of ones mortality, with no drama and no misery. About him I would like to write more another time. The way he describes his adventure in India would be close to my way. Maybe because he was Italian, maybe because I love Tuscany too, but his depths mixed in with an healthy and familiar sense of humor brought a smile and tears to my heart. Also I believe too, to quote him: Peace need to be found inside.

India my love

Below you can see a picture of me and my darling aja, my cleaning lady, Mary in the garden of my house in Poona. She spent many hours the 31 of December 1988 braiding my hair for the N.Y.party, drinking chai together and chatting about womens matter. How much I loved her to be just the way she was, so very Indian and a catholic one too.

Labels: books, Miracle of Love, Mountain, Osho

For lovers of conspiracy theories this is a great book to read.
For lovers of truth that is also a great book to read.
For someone who wants to know what went on behind the curtain Brecher is providing a great work in unveiling many of the dark secret in the US government and also the Vatican church, although he was refused an interview with, at that time in '89, Cardinal Ratzinger unless Brecher would submit all of his questions in writings, months in advance.
Max Brecher is interviewing sixty persons for his facts-finding research. Including most of the official involved in the case and some others who were supposed to execute the "dirty job" of either killing Osho or even worst to bring down the city in the desert. Towards the end of '85 a bloody invasion of the ranch was practically inevitable, says the writer.

Having joined the sannyas movement at the end of'85 I only heard stories from friends who were at the ranch, from Osho himself speaking in Poona 2 about the Ronald Reagan's America and what I read in the international newspaper. So I made up my own mind and opinion which finds some common ground with the content of this book.

The author did a great job investigating so many people directly involved with Osho's arrest and the endless prosecution that the sannyasin had to undergo in their time in Oregon. Although the author maintains a tone of neutrality it is obvious that more then once is on the side of Osho, protecting, defending, even assuming things to save his honor, to rescue his name, to paint his image with the color of innocence.
But as far as I know he was never a disciple, more of an amateur of Osho teachings. In that I lack the salt and the personal experience of someone who lived through the Rajneeshpuram time. He is disregarding both Hugh Milne and Kate Strelley book as if only what he writes is the only truth.
The approach to his book is definitely journalistic, not to take away anything to this work category, he shows very little understanding of the most delicate dynamic of a life with a Master.
But, after all, he states that clearly: "....there can be no doubt, reasonable or otherwise, that there was a conspiracy of the United States government and nearly every breathing official on every level in the States of Oregon against Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh and the city-commune of Rajneeshpuram". And he succeeded in demonstrating the facts.
The book ends with detailed reconstruction of Osho's last appearance life in Buddha-hall on January 17 and the burning of his body on January 19.
"Life in the ashram went on with a tangible sense that Rajneesh hadn't gone anywhere, that death was exactly what he said it was: The greatest fiction."

I was there all through the night holding my belly after a surgery I had just the day before, feeling empty in my body, heart and spirit. Yes, indeed, life went on even without Osho, maybe for me for too long.....,till I left Poona in '96.

Labels: books, Osho

I read this book also recently and after ‘The Ultimate game’.
Written by the former bodyguard of Bhagwan, known as Shiva, this testimonial deserves not to be forgotten.
Needless to say the uproar this book provoked was not quite objective to the reality.
When the book came out, a year before the one by Kate Strelley, Hugh Milne was already an outcast, a dissenter, an ‘unreliable witness’: ex members are seen as evil.
It was easy to lay tons of judgment on him and dismiss his book as a pathological expression of his anger and grudge against Bhagwan and his organization.
I am writing here my perception and my view and how much I disagree with those critics of Hugh Milne’s book. Maybe some of his statements are not completely true, but I am no one to say that.

First of all, Hugh was the first one to describe the initial stage of Bhagwan work starting from Bombay when he arrived in ‘73 where western sannyasin were only a handful. He tells the story of the famous Mount Abu camp meditation, and the experience of the commune Kailash in the pampas of majestic India. The move to Poona and the building of the Ashram structure together with the hierarchical power structure till he left together with the master and Sheela for the US. And there the story goes on, his way.

Maybe more then Kate Strelley’s book this one is describing the torturous and blissful path of becoming a disciple, of his love and devotion and his attachment to those meditative states he was finding it.
‘This meditative state was incomparably beautiful and worth anything. Those who dismiss ‘cults evils’ have no idea at all how rapturous this state can be, and how no other pleasure can begin to compare with it.’ (H. Milne, God that failed)

The thoroughly introspection and narration of his path to become one Bhagwans closest disciples, being not only his photographer but also his bodyguard, living in the Master's house, provides the reader with an opportunity to learn about ‘stories’ of the Bhagwan inner circle, that would be otherwise lost.
He witnessed and foremost had a part in some of those stories.
Why should I not believe what he writes?
I can, yet again, recognize many of the same persuasion techniques and influences in my own experience in Poona 2. I have my shares of ‘stories’ from the time I was working in the Ashram from 87 to early 96. The power trip didn’t finish with Sheela or Deeksha or even Shiva. They just became more sophisticated although not in anyway harmless.
On the contrary!

This doesn’t change my experience with Osho and what I went through with him. The ups and downs of devoting your life to such a Master were full of unpredictable surprise, some of them took you into bliss and some into hell. However, understanding one's roots, the reason of our search and the roots of whom we decided to follow in the ‘here and now’ that he preached, is a must for self realization and self love.
I can only say humbly that for me, Osho was the perfect man to be with in a time of my life where nothing else was worth living for. The multi-faceted dimension of the art of living I had the fortune to experience in the last 3 years of Osho’s life gave me the opportunity to make the impossible possible and to discover in the magic of his presence, the mystery of the unknown. But it was not only that!

There are some points in Milne’s book especially during the US adventure where he starts to feel his dependency from the commune and friends and at the same time he is realizing that something was not quite right anymore. If ever it was.
The split between the desire to leave Bhagwan and his attachment to the sannyas lifestyle and friends increased over the months, after the arrival in US. His positions and status over the time and because of the numerous arguments with Sheela, changed radically at the ranch. He was forced out of Lao Tzu, the Masters house, and had to work long hours on a bulldozer, like any other ordinary rank sannyasin, to build paradise in the desert. To me, that would be enough to make me think what the hell am I doing here!
Many years later I went through a similar psychological abuse and punishment game in another group I became involved after Osho, The Miracle of Love. So, I recognize the anguish and the mindfuck that goes on in those moments, where your dreams are slowly and painfully breaking, you perceive yourself wrong no matter what you do, your own critical thinking surfaces and tells you: “something is wrong here!". But by then, you have become such a true believer that it is hard to listen and recognize your inner voice.
Possible, but not easy.

Good for him that he left, although he needed to go back to the ranch one more time before the final adieu to Rajneeshpuram.
He writes: ‘As soon as important people left or a commune was disbanded, the truth became twisted and altered. Historical revisionism was becoming quite a sannyasin art form, perhaps to replace the now-forbidden one of gossip.’
Not only that, I would add, but you became a traitor and a ‘non existing entity’ you are wiped out of the group/cult world.

His change of perception of Bhagwan was interesting to read for me. Over time in the ranch, Hugh became disillusioned and through that state he started to see his master, in his words, "without my disciple's conditioned vision".
Suddenly the man he adored and guarded for so many years became ‘a lost soul’.
The painful experience in this change of perception and inner reality is great, and no one has the right to disregard the impact of this level of soul betrayal, regardless Bhagwan “innocence” or not.

To conclude I want to demonstrate how the same fact was interpreted in a very different way. I would say opposite. Both are valid and true experiences, not better or worst, just different.
From Milne’s book:
"As I watched Bhagwan on television in shackles and wearing handcuffs I saw a worn, lost, disillusioned look on his face”.
My own experience few hours later watching the European news:
"As I watched Bhagwan in television in shackles and wearing handcuffs a thought cross my mind and pierce through my heart: If the boat is sinking I want to be on that boat."
In that moment I decided to become a sannyasin, after having been one of Bhagwan’s admirers for more then a year.
My father commented, I told you that man was a creep. I slammed the kitchen door, and called Miasto, the sannyas commune in Tuscany.

Everyone that shared in this adventure has had his own way of recalling, lest to speak about it.
Some decided to speak up and not be afraid of the consequences that our opinion may bring. For that I thank Hugh Milne, and for his version of the story.
After all Osho preached: “Courage is the very greatest human quality there is", when he was talking about his childhood mischievous acts.
And courage, I say, is not only jumping into a river after a storm, but to stand strong and speak the truth that we know despite of what other may think.

If no one responds
to your call
Walk alone
Walk alone
(Tagore's song)

Labels: books, Miracle of Love, Osho

This book from Kate Strelley, offers a very in-depth exploration of the various mechanism and tactics that were going on in the Ashram in Poona during the time she was there from '75 till Bhagwan left to America.
There has been so much critic against this book dismissing in a cheap way, because the author was, previous to her involvement with Bhagwan, a drug addict. Despite those very questionable critics I personally find that Kate looked and wrote, about her life back in the Ashram, with the eyes of someone who could see "the ultimate game" behind the surface of what it appeared. For that I acknowledge and appreciate wholeheartedly her writings.
I can only recognize for myself so many of the thought reform and strategy that were consciously or unconsciously applied in my time in Poona 2. The only difference is they became more sophisticated and therefore not so easily detected.
For anyone who wishes to understand deeper not only the marvelous relationship between a Master and a disciple but especially the underlying message, the imposed belief system and the manipulation that goes on in the name of freedom, this book is one to read.
The author recalls her life not only in her position as one of Sheela assistance and then friend but also in how she perceived the power games that were insidiously entering one's mind.
So much evil has been said about Sheela, that it was redeeming for me to read how this woman was after all another victim of Bhagwan' s charisma and a part from being the biggest bitch-by words of her own mouth to Kate, back then Avibha- also a sensitive soul who got lost in her own world of power and fame.

His ways won over our heart and silenced our mind.

Hardly anybody could resist the charm and persuading message of Osho, definitely not a seeker who was waiting for a man just like that. However in the guise of his incredible philosophy of life and death much psychological harm took place.
In this book Kate is exposing her perception of how things were, how she could see Bhagwan not only through her disciple eyes, but naked in his vulnerability and also in his controlling attitude.
Kate wasn't much at the Ranch in Oregon, nevertheless her testimonial of what she witness and experienced during the sannaysin American adventure is worth reading. There may be events or assumption about the games of the Ranch that she exaggerated or didn't quiet happen like she tells. I wasn't there to judge the events myself.
Regardless her interpretation of what she calls the rise and fall of Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh this book provides a unique background for self analysis and helps to point the view not to the victims of the American events, but how the victim were indeed the artificer.

With why and if we go nowhere.

I read this book only recently and I wonder how my decision to be with Osho could have been affected if I was reading back then in '87 when it came out. By that time I was already living my life totally in bliss of being in the Ashram with him surviving the Ronald Reagan America persecution.
I was not questioning back then. I had a chance to live my dream with him and so I did. I spent the last three years of his life in the garden of the Beloved.
Of that I am tremendously grateful.
However in my prospective real growth doesn't come without true awareness, and to be able to look back at your life and re-examining why we took certain choices and why we joined a certain group brings forth a deeper understanding of yourself and foremost a love and respect for what we put ourselves though.
And I am talking for myself.
I have been trying to contact Kate Strelley, unsuccessfully. If anyone knows if she is still alive and where I can contact her, I will be pleased to know.

Lightening, your presence
from ground to sky.
No one knows what becomes of me,
when you take me so quickly.
Rumi

Labels: books, Osho