This is what I will write: some thoughts, some stories, some of myself. The way I see the way of life. It is just me, my views, my opinions, my way of saying, my way of writing. My spirit, my fire, my love and the freedom of being myself.

Cracks of the heart (short autobiographical story)

Wednesday, August 22, 2012


Dedicated to Thomas E. Heydel
This short story came out on a writing workshop in november 2011 with Lisa Friedman in Amsterdam. The homework was to create a very short story based on a real experience. The trigger that was supposed to inspire our writing was a song.
I can't recall the song, but the first few words were about thorns in the heart. Oh well I said what did hurt me was certainly the story with Thomas. So here it is. Short, concise and very to the point. It doesn't need more words. I already wrote too many for him.

"I wish the memory of that friend was not stinging so much in my heart. It was for long time a thorn ripping me apart, bringing me to bleed in silence, with my soul imprisoned behind steel bar. This is how I felt when my heart and my pen were pouring out words of encouragement, support, inspiration and love. Anything to make his loneliness if not disappear at least to soften its grasp. To make him feel loved. It was as if my chest was too small to hold the wave of warmth in my heart. A fire from within that could not be contained or controlled. It hurt and I surrendered.
Little did I know when I received his first letter pleading for help, a scream from prison to come and rescue him. Little did I know that that letter became the first of thousand emails heavily scrutinized, that we exchanged on prison terms. Maybe I knew somewhere inside I was embarking on one of the most mystical experience ever in my life. It was one of the most inspiring, rich and rewarding time in writing. Every words I read from him or that I wrote to him was breathing its own life jumping out of the page and kissing our essence. I was warned by Viktor E. Frankl book  “Man’s search for meaning”. However I say yes. He promised me the moon and yet he was not even able to come and see me upon his release. He swore eternal gratitude and called me angel and sweetheart, and yet he forgot me completely without a simple thank you eye to eye.
The only time I saw him was two years before he was sentenced to 22 months in a Federal prison, when on its way to Germany he asked me to stay in mine and my husband’s place in Amsterdam.
I could never have imagined that I would find a very special form of love in a dungeon. Although I was never in prison I had a deep sense of how he was feeling inside that black hole. Day and night my life went for a rollercoaster drive, or perhaps on a magic carpet, forgetting time’s zone or even to sleep. Soon I found myself involved in the most exquisite love affair without the earthly sexual aspect. It was as if we both were wrapped around a gentle rosy cloud, where even the stinking latrine of his cell smelled of cookies, cinnamon and baked apples.
And this is how I like to remember him. A friend that asked for help and my hand stretched out to offer it. Never mind the pain that came with it. I have my own quote to help me through that:
It is through the cracks of the heart that love strengthens you."

Few days ago in august 2012 on the third anniversary of  the day Thomas came out of prison I took all of his hand written cards  he sent me from prison and HWH and burned them in a fire. And once again I felt liberated. What was really happening cannot be forgotten.


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posted by Milena at 5:47 AM 1 comments

Dedicated to my friend Susanne Kessler. May you rest in peace

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

From left to right Francesca, me, Susy

In September 2007, when I was organizing the last details for my wedding, Susanne Kessler was a very soothing and calm presence, especially the exciting evening before the actually ceremony and party. She helped me to arrange the seats for our family at the dining tables and she decorated the room with a lot of creativity in the colors I had asked her, pink and white. Her brother Sandro prepared for me the best vegetarian menu I could have asked for, in honour of my beloved husband who is vegetarian. Francesca, Sandro’s wife and good friend was so excited that we decided to marry in their hotel, and together with Susi she made sure we had everything I wanted for my wedding day.
Mother Linde (that's how I called her) was also very touched by my choice of marrying in their wonderful Hotel Lago Smeraldo. I had to tell her why, although she already knew.
The oldest son, Harald was born in '61 like me, and I used to spend some rebellious time with him in my teenage years. I remember sharing my first cigarette with him, hiding behind the boats at the shore of the lake. He was unpredictable, full of energy, an indomitable rebel and a good cook. He passed away in June 1984,  six months after I survived my near death experience after being hit at full speed by a car.
Harald had leukemia and he was the first of my schoolmates that died of a terminal disease. He struggled a lot with his predicament and the family tried everything to prolong if not save his life. Sandro two years younger was the donor for the bone marrow transplantation. Sadly it didn’t succeed and we lost Harald at the young age of 23 years.
I remember being at his funeral in crutches as I was still learning to walk again after 6 months in bed and in wheelchair. I was not sure at the time who was the lucky one, because so very often I wished I was dead instead of being left here on earth with so much pain and a body completely destroyed. Back then and just a few months after the accident I was far from being grateful of having survived. On the contrary, I was furious and with all my rights.

Beach in Zeeland

Susanne Kessler, Susy to everyone who knew her, has gone missing the 25th of February 2011 in Sharm El Sheikh.  The family was not informed immediately, instead a reporter delivered the sad news with a phone call few days later. Susy was last seen on Montaza beach, where together with her new boyfriend she was enjoying the sun. Around 1 pm the boyfriend left Susy alone to go to do some work and came back couple of hours later when he found only her bag. No trace left of Susy.

I flew to Italy the 1st of March and the 3rd I woke up in the morning with a terrible headache. The news broke into the village like a heavy blow. The front pages of the regional newspaper were showing her pictures, with titles of disquieting if not horrifying impact. This is how the village of Fondo found out about Susy’s destiny. The titles were talking about being eaten by shark, killed and then thrown into the sea, body mutilated, found a dead body in the sea. They just assumed that because Susy was missing since the 25th of February, the body that was found was hers. It was not possible to recognize it. So it was not possible to declare with absolute certainty that the poor body was Susy. 
And so it all started. 
Once again I could confirm my profound dislike for the sensationalist approach of the media. They harm the privacy of people more then informing and stick to the facts. They certainly harmed the Kessler family.
The waiting for the family and friends became an excruciating trial. The Kessler family with great dignity retreat itself in silence, hurt and in shock, not feeding the media with information. Instead a dear friend of the family became their spokesperson to shield them for further journalistic assault.

For a few days I went to visit the family in the hotel Lago Smeraldo and we talked about many things, mostly to distract their mind from the agony of not knowing. Sandro, Susy’s brother was getting ready to live for Sharm el Sheik to identify the body and have a DNA test. Even he had to wait until a flight was available. Susy’s ex-husband Ahmed, still a good friend, with whom she was married since 2004, now living in Switzerland, was accompanying him. He was shocked like anybody else but did not lose faith. For him Susy was just missing, not dead. So everyone was hoping. Once they finally arrived there, the Egyptian bureaucracy delayed any further attempt to know the truth. Fondo, the small village where  both me and Susy grew up was in shock.

The Roen  mountain

Last time I spoke with her was this January 2011. After a long walk in the mountain me and Driek went to the bar of the Hotel to greet our friends and have a hot chocolate. I remember joking with Susy about the sharks in the Egyptian water and she was like always happy and smiling. I was pleasantly surprised to see her, usually she comes only in summer to help the family running the beautiful hotel. She shared with us that according to the common opinion of the Egyptians, sharks were brought into the bay by the Israeli people. Theory that was shared by more sources.
Me and Driek we were planning to go to Egypt for our 4th wedding anniversary, and were concerned about the danger of sharks. So we spoke a bit about that. Little did I know that few months later she would find the end of her life in the same water, although no one still knows the cause of her death, the body was being assaulted by different kind of sea predator. I would not exclude the possibility of sharks.
But Susy was an excellent swimmer, she spent her childhood and youth swimming in the water of our cold Emerald lake in Fondo. Water was her element, that is also why she decided to live in Sharm.
All of that was coming to my mind in those terrible days, and my heart was heavy with sorrow. I went for walks in the forest just above the lake. I was praying that it was just a case of a missing person not a death. The newspapers kept delivering information about the possibility of a murder case. The new boyfriend of Susy was the primal suspect. Apparently a first autopsy showed a 17cm fracture in the skull, probably caused by a wooden blunt instrument. Nothing was certain, nothing was clear. 

Many question were haunting me. If this body is Susy's, what were the last moments of her life like? Was she aware of death coming? Was it just an accidental fall and the sea did the rest? Was she violently hit by someone she knew and trusted? I could not believe she was murdered. Susy was not a naïve person, she was very down to earth and very smart. Me and her we shared the destiny of village's natives that chose to live abroad. We both explored a good amount of places around the globe, but were always happy to be back in the mountains. That was what bond us strongly.
To calm my thoughts I was lying on the dry soil of the mountain above the lake and prayed she didn’t feel pain and could go peacefully. Pray that she was just gone missing, pray that the mystery of her disappearance will soon be solved. Instead it took more then a month.

Last time I saw Linde and Francesca was exactly in the forest above the lake and there Francesca told me she needed to be alone. I respected her wishes although I was truly worried about her, she seemed so fragile and blue and I knew she could not sleep, thus leaving her on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I kept praying for everyone in the family and more intensely for Susy.
A few days later I had to go back to Amsterdam, and it was with a kind of relief I left the valley. Normally I suffer from homesickness leaving my family and the silent majestic mountains behind. But I needed space. The hotel Lago Smeraldo, the place where I was so happy during my wedding and the first night after the marriage was overwhelmed with deep grief, sorrow, even anger for the disarming loss and uncertainty.
Sandro in Egypt was not able to identify what was suspected to be her sister’s  body. He underwent a DNA test and flew back home to Italy with no energy left. Bureaucracy in Egypt sucks.
From Amsterdam I had no way to know what was going on, apart from trying to read the local newspaper online. So I started to write Francesca, Linde and Sandro emails of support, prayer, just to let them know how much I was moved and concerned. Sometimes Francesca answered me with a few lines of deep pain and agony that brought home to me the incredible level of distress everyone was feeling.

Then the news came that Sandro’s Dna test was not valid and mom Linde had to fly to Cairo accompanied by Sandro to do her DNA. This I am sure must have been so terribly painful for Linde. So the days and weeks went by in this exhausting and wrenching waiting.


During these weeks I dreamt about Susy often. I remember two of these dreams. In both of them she was explaining to me she had to go away. That I should tell everyone that she is fine and happy where she is. There is no need to worry. She will look after her family from the other realm. I thought it was a meaningful message and wrote that to Francesca. But I was still hoping like anybody else.
A case of a missing person put you into a limbo where you can’t really start the mourning process for the loss of the dear one, but you can’t however neither feel at peace that the dear one is still alive. You simply don’t know. That leaves your psyche if not your soul wondering in search for certainty and it creates a level of stress that wears you down dreadfully.
I decided I was going to do a meditation for Susy, whether she was alive or dead. Deep down I knew she was not here with us on the planet earth any longer. At least not in the form that we all knew her. Each morning I would wake up and sit in front of my altar and with the newspaper's cuts with her story I would pray:
Breathing in I calm my body,
breathing out I send peace to Susy wherever she is.
Breathing in I feel the pain of her loved ones,
breathing out I send waves of peace and compassion to them.
And so on. I don’t know if it helped them but it certainly helped me to stay connected with Susy and her family. Also if she really was in that body, the soul needed comfort  and soothing prayers to let go of the attachment to the body. At least this is what the Bardo tradition explains in "The Tibetan book of the dead".
In Catholic tradition you recite the rosary, asking the Holy Mary to intercede for the passing.
In the book from Sogyal Rinpoche “The Tibetan book of living and dying” there is a section about when someone dies a violent death, in war, accident. I found comfort reading and meditating according to this Buddhist approach. I also went to the Nicholas Church in the city of Amsterdam and sat next to Jesus on the cross, lit a candle and prayed. "Let it be your will", "Help us to accept with grace this cross we bear" were other gentle prayers to bring acceptance in this awful circumstances.

Nicholas Church Amsterdam

Last Thursday, March 7, late in the evening I checked online the local newspaper “Trentino.it” and with my utmost shock I saw written in big letters that it was indeed the body of Susanne Kessler found dead in the water a month earlier. The DNA result confirmed. The body will be coming back to Fondo where she can have a funeral and be placed in the cemetery's tomb together with Harald, her older brother and her father who passed away 12 years ago.

I still don’t know what has happened to her in the last hours of her life. We may never know. I like to hold on to the dream I had sometime ago when she told me she was happy and serene and not to worry.
This is how I will always remember her. A smiling friend,  a wonderful calm presence, being with me in  the most beautiful day of my life. May you rest forever in peace beloved Susy with the angels above.


Basilic St. Agatha and  St. Barbara in Oudenbosch 




I wrote this poem for her:

For Susi
 
The wind stop blowing
The leaves whisper your Goodbye
The water of the lake are again transparent

You left dear Susy for the great Journey
and now you are finally Home
in the house of the Father.

May your soul be free flying peacefully
together with your beloveds who preceded you
and with the Angels.

Smile to us from above as you always did
And bring comfort to those who love you on this earth
Giving them peace in the silence of your forest

You will always  stay here
in the garden of our heart
Like a flower that embraces the sun

Poem's original version

Per Susi

Il vento si è fermato
le foglie sussurrano il tuo Addio
le acque del lago sono tornate ad essere trasparenti.

Sei partita cara Susi per il grande Viaggio
E ora sei finalmente arrivata
nella casa del Padre.

Che la tua anima possa essere libera
volando serena insieme ai tuoi cari che ti hanno preceduta
e con gli Angeli.

Sorridici da lassù come hai sempre fatto
e conforta chi ti ama sulla terra
donando loro la Pace
nel silenzio dei tuoi boschi.

Resterai per sempre qui nel giardino del nostro cuore
come un fiore
che abbraccia il sole.




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posted by Milena at 3:09 AM 2 comments

Per Susi, amica dispersa

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

In questo giorno per le donne, il mio pensiero va a te come ormai da molti giorni. Dormire è difficile quando non si sa dove sei andata. E il cuore non si da pace finchè non si svelerà la tua sorte.

Per Susanna Kessler dispersa nella terra delle piramidi dal 25 febbraio 2011. 


Un fiore di speranza


Un fiore per te bella Susi,
che tu possa ritornare tra noi
il silenzio dell'attesa è doloroso
la speranza nell'attesa è l'unico filo
che ci fa intravedere forse ancora il tuo respiro.

Il non sapere è devastante
non resta altro che calmare la mente
e acquietare il cuore
sperare con fede e coraggio
che avvenga un miracolo
qualsiasi esso sia.

Nell'eco delle acque smeraldine del nostro lago di Fondo
si sente ancora la tua risata 
e si continua a vedere il tuo sorriso

Un  fiore d'amore dalle tue montagne
che accolgano la tua anima dovunque tu sia
e che ti accompagni dovunque tu vada.


Un fiore di speranza 
che tu possa ritornare tra noi.

Milena 8 marzo 2011

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posted by Milena at 6:07 AM 1 comments

Thinking of you

Thursday, November 18, 2010





Thinking of you
smiling
a secret shared

you will always remain
in the garden of my heart
like this flower's name
Forget me not.

Thank you for finding me
and letting me 
be your friend.

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posted by Milena at 8:17 AM 0 comments

In memoriam of my friend Gerhard O. Schwerdfeger

Saturday, November 13, 2010

To my dear Gerhard 
*03.05.1922 †09.11.2010
†09.11.

It was weeks I wanted to call you,
I thought of you everyday
the silence from your side made me wondering 
are you still with us beloved friend?
In some ways I knew no-one could pick up that phone
Now I cry for the loss
in pain for not being there to say goodbye.

Tears are running and won't stop.
I know you are taken care of
still the ache in my heart is unbearable 
for not having seen you one more time.
Words are not enough to say how much I miss you

 You said it so well:
"The rest is silence" (Shakespeare)
Your last email 31-7- 2010:





Dear Milena , 
ich bin seit gestern vorübergehend wieder zuhause und kann daher auch e- mailen . Es ist - dank auch Deiner lieben Fürbitten to  the Lord - alles recht gut abgelaufen! 
Ich bin sehr froh d a s  sagen zu dürfen ! Herzlichen Dank für Deine lb. Karten in beide Kliniken , sie haben mir sehr geholfen in dem Bewusstsein, Freunde zu haben, die sich um mein Hiersein Sorgen !!! - Ich bin bis Ende August h i e r , um dann für 14 Tage bis 3 Wochen in die Rekonvaleszenz nach Oberstaufen im Allgäu zu gehen , um mich dort  dann endgültig auszukurieren . 
Ich freue mich, dass Dein / Euer Pilger=tripp offensichtlich gut verlaufen ist und Du wieder in A - DAM erreichbar bist. Mit dem Wunsche für eine schönes Weekend verbleibe ich für heute
mit einem herzlichen Gruß und Love

                                                         Gerhard.



I wish I could hold your hands one more time and look into your lively eyes and with a smile saying how much I love you. 
It will take a while to stop my tears running down my face at the thought of you not more with us.
May each of this tear 
take you peacefully and graciously in God's hands 
behind that door into the other side.
Finally resting
in divine silence.


We both love poetry and the life of Saints
we shared a sweet, deep friendship that will never be forgotten.
I hope you will remember me when you are with the Angels above

May you rest in deep peace my beloved Gerhard
till we meet again.

You loved R. M. Rilke so much. I found this for you:


Schlußstück



"Der Tod ist groß
Wir sind die Seinen,
Lachenden Munds.
Wenn wir uns mitten im Leben meinen
Wagt er zu weinen
Mitten in uns."
(Rainer Maria Rilke 1875-1926)



crossing the bridge

"From sleep we wake 
eternally
and death shall be 
no more"
(John Donne 1572-1631)

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posted by Milena at 4:55 AM 1 comments

A kiss from the Luco -Laugenspitze-

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Dedicated to Driek, the only one who truly knows me.

It doesn't really matter how hard it is the way to paradise.
I will walked it  thousands time,
again and again.

The joy that comes after every hardships is a divine reward.

 This time I took Driek and Loredana with me.



This is his first time on the top of the Luco- Laugenspitze. Despite the vertigo he was also touching heaven. The Luco is intoxicating, you have to be on top of it to fully grasp the power it has once you stand at the cross. 360 degree of mountains and if you are lucky you can spot eagles hovering above. Rare in these days. More easy to see a buzzard.
Blowing a kiss to my adorable man, Driek


Take me here my love when my body is into ashes
back to earth where the eagles fly
on the most loved mountain, 
a sanctuary  from a very young age.
Let me dance with the wind and I may rest softly 
like an autumn leave
on the holy rocks of mount Luco
and be finally
in eternal Peace.
flowers on top of the Luco

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posted by Milena at 7:21 AM 1 comments

A smile

Monday, July 26, 2010

I smile to an old friend
The Mountain

a friend that will never betray you
will never turn his back
will not break a promise
and will not promise what it cannot fulfill

a friend who deserve my loving smile
a friend I can always rely on
even when everything else fail to make me smile.

Friends come and go
when you most need them, they are never there,
especially those who promised you eternal friendship are the first to disappear

The mountain  with its silence
its solid rocks                                                            
the murmuring rivers
the winds whispering between the trees
will always take me back to myself
to my heart, to my prayer
and to those who are truly close to me
and need not to say it.

I deeply thank  my body who is allowing me to "still" walk up the mountain top
and back to the valley with a smile and a tear on my face.

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posted by Milena at 12:44 PM 1 comments

For the women of the past, present and future

Monday, March 08, 2010

Dedicated to every woman.

These wonderful poems were written by women of the past, and yet they are still a source of profound reflection, courage, beauty in the time we live now. They are timeless.
May they inspire you to love yourself as you are and be grateful in who you are.
May you let the message through these saintly women' s words reach deep into your heart, and sooth gently the pains and the joy of being a woman in this modern age.

Marylin Monroe's famous quote: " I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it."
So let us be, dear women.

For the women who wants to exist, live, be.

Always keep in mind that the skin wrinkles, the hairs turn white, days are transforming in years.
But what is truly important does not change; your strength and your conviction have no age.
Your spirit is the glue of any spider web.
Beyond every arrival line there is a new departure
Beyond every success there is another disappointment.
While you are alive feel alive.
If you miss what you used to do start doing it again.
Don't live out of yellowed pictures
keep going even though everybody expects you to give up.
Don't let the iron in you become rusty
See that, instead of pity they give you respect
When because of your years you can't run, walk fast.
When you can't walk fast, walk.
When you can't walk use the stick
but never restrain yourself!

Mother Teresa of Calcutta

Your hair, your face

What is it
you want to change?
Your hair, your face, your body?
Why?

For God
is in love with all those things
and He might weep
when they are gone.

St. Catherina of Siena

I would cease to be

God
dissolved my mind-my separation.
I cannot describe now my intimacy with Him.
How dependent is your body's life on water and food and air?
I said to God: "I will always be unless you cease to Be,"
and my Beloved replied,
" And I would cease to Be if you died."

***
I found completeness when each breath
began to silently say the name of my Lord.

St. Teresa of Avila

My own poem of last year

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posted by Milena at 5:06 AM 3 comments

"My life in Orange" my praises to Tim Guest

Friday, February 19, 2010


A few days ago I found out that Tim Guest died last Summer, on the first of August 2009. He died at the young age of 34 of a heart attack. And I felt extremely sad when I read this news.

Right after the bomb explosion in Poona in the German Bakery, I had an impulse to google for Tim Guest' s name. His book was in my hands again in the last days and I wanted to know how his journalist career was unfolding.
I never met Tim Guest aka Yogesh. I was never in Medina, I only knew his stepfather Martin -previously Sujan- because he was one of my teacher in the Rebalancing Advance Training in Amsterdam '86 and I worked for a while in his studio in London in '91.

Tims autobiographical book is the story of a remarkable childhood as the son of a sannyasin woman, who was one of the commune leader in Medina. "My life in Orange" - 2004 is considered one of the best autobiographical account of the decade in his obituary in The Guardian and in my humble opinion I agree completely.
I read the book in 2005, when I was immersed in my process to undo the harm of my participation both in Miracle of Love and in the world of Osho sannyasins. I already wrote my thoughts on other books written by ex-sannyasins (Hugh Mine, Kate Strelley). Now I finally put down a few words about Tim Guest' s book.

First thing I thought was, if one day I will write a book about my own involvement in spiritual groups I would love it to have the wit, humor and plain truth of Tim Guest's book. He writes from the eyes of the child he was and describes brilliantly how it was to grow up with so many people who were pursuing the dream of enlightenment and experiencing a community lifestyle of love light and laughter.

I praise him for the literary achievement and for the honest recollection of his own experience. Beyond the dream, beyond the illusion of perfection and freedom.
Let the kids speak what they felt in the commune time. This is how it felt, if you are humble enough to hear that not everything was a horn of plenty in the world of Osho. Not at all!!

Osho sannyasins are ever so often ready to put the blame on the individual, whenever someone is asserting his opinion, voicing his doubts, questioning Osho's teaching or simply saying how different is his/her experience from the main stream devotee.
But if there is some good to gain then it is all because of the Commune lifestyle, because of the outrageous and visionary teaching of the Master Bhagwan/Osho.
This is a kind of a black and white way of looking that characterizes a group as very selective with a "supremacy syndrome" - we/us better then they/them. How arrogant! Certainly Osho sannaysins suffer from the "being special and better" syndrom.
And I indulged into that too, to wake up years later and recognize my shortcomings.

I read an obituary on Tim Guest online from a sannyas website that made me shrink for the lack of depth and foremost lack of respect for who Tim Guest was and how he dared to speak. Not to say about the cheap comments that follow the article.

Personally, I found the book amazingly well written. I can see this little kid running around the commune, looking for his mother, straining his ankle and back to try to grow taller in order to meet someone' eyes and receive full attention to his needs. He didn't have one mother, he had all the women of the commune as his mother, and consequently no one had the time to really take care for the children so they ended up roaming around like in a fairy land of "everything is allowed".
Some time ago, a sannaysin friend who lived in Medina and with whom I shared my thoughts about 'My life in orange', turned to me and said: "I remember that boy running around always so lost. He looked to me so out of place and very sad". She was still defending the commune life and condemning the child. If he was "lost" it was his fault.
I am still disturbed in seeing so many of my sannaysin friends being so 'brain washed', acting aloof and judgmental, while simultaneously professing to be such a caring and understanding person. My friend didn't read the book. Anything that points out defects, contradictions or even is just questioning whether the world of Osho was at all 'sane', is often discarded as untrue or not worth reading. How sad and how one-sided way of life.

My life with Ohso

Your book, Tim, is a must-read for those who have the eyes and a heart to recognize that it was not only a blissful land to live with Osho, whether in his presence or in a commune with his gigantic picture hanging in every room, to remind everyone who was the boss.

Certainly there were moments, at least for me, in my years in Poona (from 86 to 96) when you could feel that everything was possible, that all the limitations are inside your mind, and that if you have a complete trust everything will work out fine. Those were words, ever so often spoken by the average disciple, and at times you could even realized them for real.
Since I left the Ashram in Poona and changed my sannyas name back into my old dear name, I had those experiences maybe even more often then when I was in the Commune, as I had them also before Osho in my solitary walk in the mountain.
Freedom is not limited to following a master or anyone for that matter, the real freedom is in knowing yourself and where you stand.
And Tim in his book is slowly unfolding his journey to find who he really is, searching in his past, lucidly expressing even the most agonizing pain for a child: missing the love of his mother.

From "My life in orange"
-We all want a way out of pain and the fear of death. The way out Bhagwan offered was Enlightenment, but even Bhagwan died. Sannyasin believe he "left his body". But those are just words. Bhagwan snuffed it. He kicked the bucket, jumped the perch, shuffled off his mortal coil. He is an ex-guru. He pulled a stiff one, popped his clogs, booked a One Way Sleeper-Ticket on the Night train to the Big Adios. as the French say: He will have toothache no more'-

I chose this bit, just because I like to wake up from dreams. And in memory of Tim Guest I thank him to have done his part in seeing through the lies.

It was very sad to me to find out about his untimely death, that it took me few days to recover and write about him.
My heart reaches out to his wife, and all of those who survived him.
May you all find comfort.

From sleep we wake
eternally
and death shall be
no more

John Donne (1572-1631)



From Driek on the same book: Reflections on "My life in orange"

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posted by Milena at 8:56 AM 3 comments

Poem: "Let it flow"

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Dedicated to those who have thrown stones at me

A grass blade doesn't ask the sun "please keep me warm",
so the heart of man should bend in humility to the great Presence from above
Much too often the mind wants to retaliate on past offense.

Who is there to listen
to this agony of the intellect
when the heart can fill you with so much tenderness
and like during a gentle sleep
rejuvenates your soul?

Nothing is worth the bitter feeling of revenge.
Let it pierce when it pierce
and let it burn
when the hurt burns you like a log in a fire.
It will dissipate
if only you have the patience and compassion to wait.

Everything is just a flickering moment
the dance and the dancer can only truly meet
suspended by time
in the blessed moment of Now

All will pass
and what truly remains
is the space you have found between your heartbeat
and the stillness of your mind between your breaths
Simply let it flow
like water carves the stones and find its way to the ocean
so the heart of man need to travel light
with no burden or bitterness
polluting
its natural purity.

Milena, February 2010


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posted by Milena at 4:09 AM 2 comments

"Sorrow mountain": a book that breaks your heart

Tuesday, February 02, 2010


Today I finished the book of the life of Ani Pachen la (1933-2002).
And today, the 2nd of February, is unknowingly to me till now, the anniversary of her death in Dharmasala in the year 2002. I waited until I reached the end of the book to check on the Internet if she was still alive. Another of this unexplainable coincidence.

Some people called her the Joan d'Arc of Tibet. And as Joan D'arc (1412-1431) is one of my inspiring example of true surrender to God, who was leading French soldiers to several victories during the 100 years War and was burned at the stake at a young age (19 y.o). I humbly recite a prayer for this indomable Tibetan warrior nun who stood, fought and led an army of warriors against the Chinese invaders.

The book is her autobiography which has accompanied me in the last days in a world of abuse torture and faith, in the magnitude and silence of the Tibetan mountains with their monastery of peaceful life till the sorrow changed the very earth of Tibet and their culture.

I am horrified at the immense brutality and persecution that the Chinese has inflicted on her. Reading her story (written beautifully through the pen of Adelaide Donnelly) you are carried in the first chapters into a dreamlike state of Tibet full of its ritual, tradition, spiritual richness and integrity of spirit. As a woman of the mountain myself and a warrior of life in many ways, I resonate with the simple deep enriching life of a Tibetan tribe, long before the Chinese decided to make Tibet their own. How wrong! Tibet will remain always Tibet.
The Tibetan prayers flag are blowing on my balcony in the strong wind of Amsterdam, as my personal support and love for Tibet.

Slowly the horror of the invasion unravels through the story of Any Pachen and you are thrown without even realizing into a nightmare of the uttermost reality. The facts told in the book did really happened and you can really say that to survive such abuse is a miracle, a grace of Buddha. It is possible to understand how someone is able to endure and survive such cruelty if they possess an untamed courage, a deep trust and one of the most ancient practice of meditation on compassion.
Compassion in action. Faith in His Holiness and an integrity of spirit that nothing can bend.

I was touched deeply in my soul by the essence of Ani Pachen that transpires throughout the book and I just wanted to write this piece in memory of this wonderful courageous woman exactly on the day of her departure from this world 8 years ago.
Maybe because I come from a small village in the mountain in the independent region of Trentino in Italy, maybe because the Tibetan cause has always brought tears to my eyes, or simply because in my visit to Dharamsala in '90 I fall in love with the Tibetan people there and their kindness. Or perhaps I was in one of my past life as often I said a Buddhist monk.

I like to think this way and I also believe that truly everything is transitory. In one moment life can be broken and you are no more in this form. Sometimes I wonder how our human body can endure and survive the most horrendous torture, famine, and sickness and I am amazed by what is possible that apparently seems impossible.
The physical torture and terrible abuse are only one sad facet of the persecution that the Tibetan people had to suffer. The indoctrination, brainwashing and thought reform in the name of Chinese education are as bad if not worse. Attacking ones' own identity, spiritual beliefs and faith and coercible forcing to deny or betray them is the most disgusting sin on earth.

My life with Miracle of Love
Regretfully we still see everyday those tactics applyed in the most sophisticated spiritual group, as I had my personal experience in the Miracle of Love cult. Perhaps physical abuse is not so obvious but let me tell you the game of punishment and reward and spying on each other, confession sessions and humiliation have their part in the education of a "good indoctrinated miracle of love member".
It makes me scream!
Just recently, I had another opportunity to realize how deeply the involvement in MOL can effect the psyche and the soul of a person, making it very difficult a full recovery. One of my closest friend, even after years of being out of MOL, but still having a lot of ties with MOl, has been behaving with me and my husband as if he is still inside the group, denying our friendship and breaking his contact with us without explanation after years we constant support him in his troubled time.
Compassion and pardon are my prayers in these days.

In memory of Ani Pachen.


Ani Pachen survived both the physical and psychological torture with extreme dignity and a fiery spirit. I am reminded in reading her story how sacred is human existence and how vital is to learn the art of cultivating peace of mind so that, even in the most challenging situation fear doesn't hold you down and paralyzes you but you can find true refuge inside into a place of peace and tranquility.
In your memory Ani Pachen, with gratitude:

"The ocean of peace lies ahead of me
Sail the boat, O pilot
You are my constant companion now
Take me in your lap.
Along our journey to the infinite
The pole star alone will shine.
Giver of freedom
Set me free
May your forgiveness and compassion
Be my eternal resources for the journey.
May the mortal ties fall away,
May the vast universe
Hold me in embrace,
And with an undaunted heart
May I come to know the Great Unknown."

Rabindranath Tagore

The mountain on top of Mclead Ganj in 1990.
Oh, how I loved to hike there and just be there!

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posted by Milena at 3:03 AM 1 comments

I am grateful

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Livigno Italy 01-01-2009
I am grateful for this year 2009.

I started the 2009 with a feeling of immeasurable deep joy for the longing in my soul residing lovingly in His arms.
I continued by facing courageously the challenges of life. And there were many.
My dear friend Virendra passed peacefully away the end of January. I was fortunate to be a witness and support in his last weeks of his life breathing with him his last breath of life. Through his death I found a new friend, his wife Prerna ever so "dearly crazy". She and Valeria have been precious friends, in many ways we shared the same joys and losses.

I continue throughout the year to converse via email with my friend T while he was in prison. I opened up through him to the pain of the incarcerate. A minority who lives a life deprived of many basic human rights. Only this makes me mad. In getting to know the abuse that goes on in prison, I discovered a way to share the love that knows no steel bars but that is stronger then any limitations. I grew deeply and sank more deep into the well of my soul recognizing the smallness of my being. Yet in His presence I feel I am everything I can be. And a flower opens inside.

The incredible treks in my mountains built the strength in me to face any fear so that I could arrive at the "cross" on the top of the mountain, with an amazing feeling of worthiness and gratitude for the single grace to be here and tell my story. A story that continues into next year with a sense of wonder what will come my way.
I only know one thing that as long as I live I will always remember to breathe in and calm my body and my mind and breathe out and smile.
Smile at any circumstance that may tear your heart apart like it happened in summer when T. exiting his imprisonment turned his back to me and disappeared.

I always smiled maybe not so obviously on the outside but my meditation is to mindfully watching my breathing and mindfully watching and feeling my heart pierce through to let nothing else in then the fire of love.

Jesus, sweet Jesus has been a constant presence and a gentle companion to carry me in comfort and with him I cried so many loving sweet and salty tears.

What more can I ask then keep walking on with a gratitude for everything that this journey of life brings to us, blessed both the roses and the thorns.
Mount Macaion summer 2009

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posted by Milena at 12:22 PM 1 comments

My Christmas wishes to you all

Monday, December 21, 2009

To all my readers
family and friends
with gratitude

My altar

I wish you for this Christmas time:

Buddha to cultivate peace of mind and happiness on the Way
Sufi Dervish to remind you of the sacred dance with the Beloved
Bodhisattva Tara to feel compassion
Ganesh to face any obstacle and remain playful
St Francis to deepen the way of prayers
Angels, always around, to guide you and comfort you along the way.

The divine presence of Holy Mary and sweet Lord Jesus to celebrate the Light into this world

A burning candle to inspire the flame of love residing in your heart
and to dispel any darkness.


May you all have a wonderful 2010

Buddha on canvas. Milena '09

Always remembering breathing in I calm my body and my mind.
Breathing out I smile and care for this body and mind and everything else in between and beyond.

White Amsterdam, Damsquare 20-Dec-09

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posted by Milena at 9:40 AM 2 comments